Toilet Adventures: A L4D Fanfic
by Shinoskunoichi
Summary: What happens when Francis really has to go? What will he do when something horrible happens to his only salvation? Rated M for strong language towards the end.


A/N: Yes, I know I'm supposed to be studying right now, I have my Calculus final tomorrow, and I was studying (actually just staring at the numbers), and a question just popped into my head, and I had to write it down. So, this is my gift to you, and to me, and hopefully, I'll have another chapter up for my two other stories after May 26th. So enjoy!!!

Disclaimer: Yo no tengo nada…seriously…honest. Fine, in English, I don't have anything, so I don't own it… w/e

_Damn, I should've went when I had the chance,_ Francis thought to himself as he reloaded his auto-shotgun.

"Hey guys! I think I see a safe house up ahead!" Called out Louis.

"I hope there's a fucking toilet there; I need to piss badly." Francis said.

"Yeah, well we'll see when we get there," replied Bill, taking out a cigarette and lighting it.

"Alright, so, we're ready?" Zoey asked, pulling her brown hair into a pony tail. The men nodded, all looking grim and serious.

"Alright, here we go," she said as she pushed the door open.

The survivors were ready but-

"Hey, aren't there supposed to be at least _some_ infected?" Asked Louis.

"Who gives a fuck? Let's go!" Francis said, stepping outside. Damn it he had to pee, really badly.

The rest just shrugged their shoulders and followed the tall man.

"Son, why don't you just pick a corner and do your business?" The WWII veteran asked. "We used to do it all the time-"

"Damn it Bill! There are germs out there! I don't want anything going up my manhood!" Francis yelled, quite loudly.

Zoey and Louis snickered.

"What's so damn funny huh?" Francis asked, glaring at them.

"Nothing, it's just that I wouldn't think you, a badass-tattooed-motorcycle riding- shotgun wielding- leather wearing guy would be afraid to whip it out." Louis said, smiling.

"Unless, you're worried about something else," Zoey finished; her eyes bright with laughter.

Bill rolled his eyes, "Come on, we have to go," he paused. "And stop teasing Francis about his manhood. The man has his reasons."

Francis just glared at them.

"See, that's why I always come prepared," Louis said.

Francis lifted his eyebrow questioningly.

"Well," Louis began, beaming, "I carry disposable underwear all the time. You just never know when you gotta go."

The three of them just stared at him, the streets behind him eerily quite, except the crackling and popping of flames.

"Are you wearing one now?" Bill asked hesitantly.

"Uh, yeah, you know, I'd rather pee on myself, and I'll only know it, than to pee on myself and let everyone know…" he trailed off.

"Okay, _way_ too much information. Now how about that safe house?" Zoey interrupted, pushing past Louis and Francis, and started to walk towards the safe house, with Bill following her.

Before Francis could follow, Louis tapped him on the shoulder. When he turned around, Louis leaned in and whispered, "Hey, I have an extra one if you want. It comes in handy for those," he coughed, "unexpected moments."

"Uh, no thanks," Francis said, slowly backing away. "I think we'd better go now."

Louis shrugged. "You're right."

Francis shivered. _Eww_ he thought, but then he remembered he had to pee. _Damn it! Why!?_

"Safe house, up ahead!" Zoey yelled over her shoulder.

"Yeah! And I see a Porto-Potty too!" Bill yelled.

_Awesomes!_ Francis thought, smiling like a kid at Christmas. _Thank God that there's no-_

_GRAAAAAAA!!!!!_

Francis shut his eyes and smacked himself on the head.

"TANK!" Louis yelled.

_Just when I was so close!_ Francis mentally whimpered.

Not too far away, the Tank busted out from the bushed, screaming for blood. Zoey and Bill quickly emptied their bullets into the hulking monster as Louis pulled out his pistols.

"Take that!!!" Louis yelled.

Francis was about to shoot into the huge infected when-

"_No," _he whispered.

The Tank, in all is massive, infected glory, grabbed the sole Porto-Potty, raised it over it's massive head, and threw it at the survivors, completely missing them. Instead, like a cruel joke, it met with a concrete wall, and exploded. Francis watched helplessly, and instantly, a geyser of chemically-induced water sprayed out, a lot like blood…

"YOU MOTHER FUCKING SON OF A BITCH!" Francis yelled out with so much rage. "YOU KILLED THE LAST FUCKING PORTO-POTTY YOU SICK BASTARD!"

Francis turned towards the Tank, a crazed look in his eyes. The Tank, for a moment, paused, and it looked like it was trying to back away, as if sensing it did something wrong.

"I'M GONNA MURDER YOU! YOU SORRY ASS EXCUSE FOR A MOTHER FUCKING INFECTED!!!" Francis yelled.

_5 minutes later…_

Bill, Zoey, and Louis were speechless as they moved away so that Francis could go in first.

"Damn, he fucked up that Tank really good." Bill whispered.

The other two could only nod.

They watched as Francis stepped inside and closed the door behind him, locking it.

"Do you think we should tell him he's in the women's bathroom?" Louis whispered.

"Unless you want to end up like the Tank, go right ahead," Zoey said.

"He's gonna find out sooner or later," Bill said.

Louis snapped his fingers. "I got it!"

_15 seconds later…_

"Wow, you're a genius," Zoey muttered sarcastically.

"I know, right?" Louis replied, feeling proud.

The three survivors looked at the newly designed door. Instead of "Women", a black sharpie had cut out the "Wo-" and leaving the "men", and the woman design on the front now had an auto-shotgun in one hand, and a smoking cigar in the other, complete with the fume.

"Nice picture kid." Bill said.

**Achievement Unlocked:**

** Man vs. Tank**

A/N: So, yeah, I sometimes wondered what if they really had to use the bathroom, I mean, it's natural right? So I hope you liked this story, and appreciate my little sacrifice, hopefully I won't fail the final tomorrow, so if anything, wish me luck.

Thank you for taking time out to read this, and please review. I would love to hear from you. Technically, this is a one-shot, but if anything, let me know. I love review and responses and what nots. So, bye now, and see you guys after the 26th!!

Love, SK (Love you guys!!!(and girls, and readers, lmao .))


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